Happiness, Work, and Getting "In Flow"

After a few months of working at my first professional job in the software industry, my mentor surprised me by asking me what makes me happy. I was stumped. I certainly wasn't thinking about happiness. Instead, I was trying to figure out the dynamics of the organization, without the benefit that comes with experience. My first line boss was crazy and a little mean spirited, so I was trying to figure out how to work around her. In the back of my mind I was wondering if I should find another job. Meanwhile, I was voluntarily working long hours, and I didn't really have hobbies, other than my morning runs. I asked my mentor what made him happy and he wasted no time responding, “Christmas!” It was August in Boca Raton, and he was already smiling about Christmas. He loved everything about it. He was planning his Christmas party, and refining his Christmas card list. After two contemplative days, I had an answer for him. Though I had no pets, I had always loved dogs. My husband and I had taken to going to dog shows on weekends, to research the kind of dog we'd like to get (my husband's effort to stall my dog adoption effort). I looked forward to the shows, and enjoyed talking to the owners about their dogs. The thought of dogs and going to these shows made me happy, so, though it took a while, I came up with an answer. 

Answering this question might be difficult for many adults. Still, it bothered me that it took me two days to come up with even a single answer. Being able to identify happy activities became even more important to me after the birth of my first child, since I knew wanted my children to have happy memories of their childhood. Furthermore, happiness is one of the main tools in my growing collection of mental tips to keep the vanity pounds at bay. Research supports me on this in a few ways. First, Professor Tim Sharp, in his book 100 Ways to Happiness: A Guide for Busy People, says that instead of losing weight to become happy, become happy to not only lose weight, but to nurture relationships and manage your time better. Second, apparently happiness in adults and teenagers can come from the satisfaction you get while participating in engaging activities. According to Martin Seligman in his book Authentic Happiness

Life satisfaction occurs most often when people are engaged in absorbing activities that cause them to forget themselves, lose track of time and stop worrying. "Flow" is the term Claremont Graduate University psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (pronounced cheeks-sent-mee-hi) coined to describe this phenomenon.

People in flow may be sewing up a storm, doing brain surgery, playing a musical instrument or working a hard puzzle with their child. The impact is the same: A life of many activities in flow is likely to be a life of great satisfaction, Csikszentmihalyi says. And you don't have to be a hotshot to get there.  "One of the happiest men I ever met was a 64-year-old Chicago welder with a fourth-grade education," he says. The man took immense pride in his work, refusing a promotion to foreman that would have kept him from what he loved to do. He spent evenings looking at the rock garden he built, with sprinklers and floodlights set up to create rainbows.

 When I am “in flow”, either at work or play, eating is the last thing on my mind. When I am “in flow”, I am much less likely to eat out of habit or proximity to snack foods. At work, I have learned that I'd rather have a good conversation with some really smart folks and or decision-makers than eat, anytime. Sure you can do both, but I'd rather listen and talk, than eat and talk. We live in a wonderful country, where food is readily available, and I can eat anytime. But I don't always have access to these folks and I treasure the time that I do. I hear similar stories from artists. One woman I know starts a sculpture in the morning, and doesn't think about stopping until it becomes too dark to see. Another describes it as being possessed.  She stays in her workshop making glass beads for most of the day without giving a thought to food.

When I hear or experience these stories of “flow”, I am reminded of the lesson I learned at my first job not to take happiness for granted. If food is "too important" in your life, understand your passions to help you re-prioritize the importance of food in your life. Once you understand these passions, it is far easier to focus on those activities, spend more time “in flow” and bypass the very transitory satisfaction that comes from a handful of M&Ms or a Krispy Kreme Donut.

Hope is Better Than a Pill

A few months ago I mentioned to my Dad that my cholesterol has always been a little on the high side. He responded by asking whether I was on Lipitor. I not only said no, I said, “Of course not!” He takes Lipitor and I think he was offended at my response. It's not that I am against prescription medication. I am a fan; just not necessarily for myself at least not yet, in this situation. My theory is that there are a few things I would change about the way I live before I'd start on a pill. I could eat differently, drink less wine, and/or exercise more. Before I'd get on a pill I hope I'd make some changes. Of course it's hard to make these kinds of changes but that is what I hope I would do. 

And it occurs to me that it's a good time for hope. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Eve are coming, and a big part of the holiday season is about hope. Families hope they will share the holidays with family and friends. They hope the holidays will be full of good food, good conversation, and laughter. Children hope they will be visited by Santa and maybe catch a glimpse. Parents hope they can make that magic happen. And every year, people hope they can change their life for the better. Millions of people make new years resolutions, join gyms, start diets, buy cook books to become better cooks, buy self-help books, and vow to learn something new. Whether they actually make changes or just read about making changes they hope they can make changes. And it makes sense that people who make new years resolutions are more likely to reach their goals than those who do not make resolutions.  From Proactive Change:

 While a lot of people who make new years resolutions do break them, research shows that making resolutions is useful. People who explicitly make resolutions are 10 times more likely to attain their goals than people who don't explicitly make resolutions:

New Year's resolvers (sample = 159) and comparable nonresolvers interested in changing a problem later (sample = 123) were followed for six months via telephone interviews. Resolvers reported higher rates of success than nonresolvers; at six months, 46% of the resolvers were continuously successful compared to 4% of the nonresolvers.

 Almost every year my neighbor decides she is going to start sewing and or knitting again. She loves to sew doll clothes, so she asks if we have any Barbies or dolls our kids no longer use. Based on history, we imagine that she won't start sewing, but the truth is that I am always happy to hear the call for Barbies, because she still has hope that she will. I will be sad when she doesn't have hope.

The most important thing you can do for your diet is to have hope that you can get from there from here, wherever here is. You'll have set backs, and in order to get back on the proverbial wagon, you have to have hope you can succeed.  Even if you jump start your weight loss plan with something like gastric bypass surgery, after the surgery you will still need to adjust the way you think about eating.  Probably the surgery will be effective, however some studies show that a pretty high percent of people who have gastric bypass operations gain a significant amount of the weight back.  Doesn't matter.  It's a process, not an event.

I'll take pills if I need to, but I think what we really need is to have hope.

Mental Prisons: Part 2 - After You've Got the Infrastructure in Place

More on mental prisons, and how to change long held habits.  Remember, remember, remember, changing long held habits is a process, not an event.  I can't stress this enough.  In this process, the most important thing is to be prepared for set backs and when they happen (they will), to get back on course.  After years of searching for answers, years of practice recovering from set backs, and STILL making mistakes and recovering (and making mistakes) I thought I would have more answers by now.  I don't.  I have a few tips and tricks that help me a lot.  I am working on others.  This very high level numbered set is focused on embracing the mistakes and weaknesses.  Mistakes made are the best opportunity to learn. 

1. Get that infrastructure in place.  You may not need it forever, but it is good to set it up and to know it is there.
2. Beating yourself up won't help.  It is so easy to do.  It won't help you or anyone you care about, and even worse, it might hurt and set you on a destructive path. Feeling like a failure is the easiest way to decide to give up and set your course in the wrong direction.  Some of the most important lessons you will learn on this journey are how to recover and change course back on a path to accomplishing your goals.  The best way to learn for the long run, is through set backs, so consider the set-backs a critical part of the process.  Embrace them and learn from them. 
3. Get to know yourself and your weaknesses.  We all have the best of intentions, and then instead of stopping after that well planned dinner, one small indulgence turns into two or five. Don't worry.  Don't give up.  Forgive yourself, go to bed.  Or read a good book, or watch a good movie or a television show that will make you laugh (or cry...whichever you enjoy). Sleep and start over. The morning will look different. No dieter, non-smoker, former alcoholic, or successful business owner has ever gotten where they want to be the first time they tried to quit.  Look yourself in the mirror, have some resolve and remind yourself that this is a marathon, not a sprint.  And most important, use the trip up as a learning experience. See what the trigger was, what the effect is in the morning and over the next few days. Then analyze the event, and try to figure out what might have helped you stay on track. You can do better next time.  
4. It sometimes happens that there can be a long time between the lapse and getting back on course.  That's okay.
5. Listen to your body more carefully than you do the experts. Believe in yourself. For example, for a long time the experts have been telling us that fat is the enemy.  Lot of data is coming out in the last few years casting doubt on that.  Probably the jury is still out on that, and furthermore, what works for one person, may not work for you.  So all I am saying is listen to your body and pay attention to the effects of your behavior. Design a diet that works for you. 
6. Don't wait. If you can envision it now, go for it.  You don't have to wait until after that vacation or party. Believe it or not, vacations and parties can be the BEST times to start. There is so much to distract you from thinking about food. 
   

Mental Prisons: Part 1 - Build the Infrastructure to Escape

We all know that dieting is pretty darn hard. It requires us to resist some of the things that we are hardwired to want (I don't know about you, but I am pretty sure I was born craving Krispy Kreme donuts and extra dark russet potato chips). Besides naturally craving food that is high in calories (to help get us through those long winters when it might be too cold to grow our Krispy Kreme donuts and potato chips!), we form our initial eating habits when we are very young and easily influenced. It can be very difficult to change those habits, even if you know you should, and really want to change them.  We all have examples of habits we'd like to shed and have not been able to.  I believe that a lot of the difficulty can come from not really believing we can really do it.  If a goal is not in your world view (the fundamental cognitive orientation of an individual or society encompassing the entirety of the individual or society's knowledge and point-of-view, including natural philosophy), you probably don't have a clear vision of how to accomplish the goal and most importantly, the belief in yourself that you can succeed.  And by succeed I mean more than initial success.  I mean succeed all the way through the inevitable ups and downs of trying to accomplish that goal.  I refer to this state as being in a mental prison.  Most of us really do hold the key, or keys to that prison but they can be hard to find. Sometimes we need multiple keys because the doors are double or triple locked. In addition to difficultly finding the keys the path out of the prison is frequently not clear and mired with obstacles.  

The help you get by setting goals that are within your world view does not only apply to weight loss.  I see examples of this in many aspects of life, including career choice.  Kids who grow up around adults who are doctors or lawyers are more likely to aspire to go to medical school or law school.  It's in their world view.  Many children in private schools come from families whose parents have been successful in their careers.  It's catching, and their children believe they too can be successful, and after private school they frequently go to good colleges, graduate school or start a business.  And if many of their peers aspire to higher education, it can be in the "world view" of other kids in the school?  But if it is not in your world view to see that you can get from here to there you will be less likely to believe you can really do it. 

One reason that it can be hard to change your world view is that accomplishing most worthwhile goals takes many many years.  There is no weekend course for medical school or law school.  Even getting admitted to medical school requires a lot discipline, good behavior, and abstaining from other things (that might be more enjoyable) for many years.  Once admitted to medical school, it takes many more years of hard work.  But at least in medical school or any graduate program, you are surrounded with like minded folks to compare yourself to, so if you do your part, you can come to believe that you can complete your goal.  You can even botch a few tests and still succeed overall if you recover from a few bad grades, by studying harder, and keeping your eye on the ball.  Similar to this, if a person has decided to lose weight, gotten to their goal weight, and stayed there for a while, they did not get there without set-backs and lapses.  Like a bad grade every now and then, set-backs happen.  The real key to getting to and staying where you want to be is not to let them throw you off course.  As a student, if you have a bad teacher who gives you an unfair test, you can blame the bad grade on the teacher.  However, with weight loss there is no one to blame but yourself, therefore recovering from a set back is all on you.  So, if you don't really believe you can accomplish your goal, it is very easy to give up.  

It can be so hard that though I believe that almost any adult is capable of making dietary changes I am usually surprised when I see them do it. I believe they can, but I am not sure they do.  And you know what? Life is short and there are lots of important and worthy things to focus on. Changing eating habits and mindsets, and powering through lapses, requires focus.  I truly believe people should focus on what is important to them at the time. If losing weight is not a priority at the moment, I say don't sweat it. Something else important is probably a priority to you now so focus on that. There is always time to lose weight.

If you feel you might be ready to change your eating habits, build up an infrastructure.  The primary key to success with long term goals is to learn how to recover from the lapses.  An infrastructure and support group can help you get back on the right path when you trip up or lapse.  How can you do this?

1. Find a support group so you surround yourself with like-minded folks.  It's not for everyone, but it is certainly helpful for many.  Weight Watchers, fitness clubs, or classes and programs at the YMCA work for many.  I know my mom used to come and go at Weight Watchers.  Apparently a million + folks agree with her.  She went when she needed it, and took a break when she didn't.  I see friends and neighbors do the same thing with Weight Watchers, fitness clubs and the YMCA. Our local YMCA has programs that folks can sign up to do, such as a team competition program designed after the Biggest Loser.  Classes at fitness programs can be motivating and give you the chance to bond with like-minded folks. 

2.  Sign up to some forums on the internet.  I had fun with some South Beach diet forums when I tried the South Beach diet.  As with fitness clubs you can bond with folks who have similar weight loss goals, and support one another.  You can set up regular weekly roll calls giving folks and opportunity to check in.  You can celebrate victories and offer support and encouragement when goals are not achieved.  You can learn about diet and exercise tips, and offer your own.  The more you hear about success from ordinary folks, the more you'll believe you can do it too.  You can also find some strength if you can inspire others with your own tips and tricks.

3.  Find some blogs that can provide inspiration.  Usually it takes just a few minutes to read a blog post, and you may be able to hear from someone who has been through the school of hard knocks and learned a thing or two.  From those blogs, you will see that they will usually link to their favorite blogs.  Occasionally I enjoy Mark's Daily Apple.  I am definitely not as hard core-low carb as he and many of his readers.  But I can always get a tip or trick, a recipe (coconut encrusted chicken) or some inspiration by reading success stories.  Amazon's Al Dente can be a fun stop for for recipes, cooking tools, and cooking tips, especially around the holidays.  Jimmy Moore, Living La Vida Low-Carb is very supportive, positive, and full of tips and tricks.  The Fit Bottomed Girls are a lot of fun!  FuturePundit looks to the future on many topics including nutritional health.

4.  Watch the Biggest Loser for inspiration.  You get to know the competitors, and they all have a story, and a strong desire to change their eating habits.  Every week these folks overcome new challenges and rise to new heights, inspiring their coaches, their team mates and Americans who are watching.  It is impossible not to be happy for and inspired by these folks.

5.  Realize that recovering from lapses is even more important than starting.  Learn from your lapses and you will become stronger.  Incorporate your vision of how to accomplish your goal into your world view and you will believe you can accomplish your goals and break free from that mental prison.  

6.  Finally, believe in yourself.  Trust your instincts about what works for you, regardless of what the "experts" say.